2.08.2009

Beer For My Horses: Why Toby Keith Is A Moron.

(In all fairness, some may feel I am also a moron.)

So Toby Keith wrote a movie, y'all. It's called Beer For My Horses. It's about America. Perhaps not directly, but it sure had everything that makes me cringe about America...


Fan of Ted Nugent, aka "The Nuge"? Look no further than Ted's Cat Scratch Feverin' shoot out at the beginning of this movie (which followed his stupid bow and arrow shtick where he shoots an arrow into a bad guy's butt). He never said anything. The Nuge didn't have to say anything. He's The Nuge. But, he did force two words at the end: "Circus jolly." Yeah, I'd like to uhh... tell you what that meant, but I have no idea. You think I actually finished watching this pile of garbage? Otherwise, The Nuge just sharpened hunting knives and made faces. Fuck you, Ted Nugent.

Yer woman pissed atcha? Buy her somethin' nice (nahce). Hmm. That didn't work? Really? Well... fuck. Ya see, Toby 'n' I here thought that's all ya needed ta make yer pair a tits that'cha come home to perky and happy! Well doggone... I guess... Well, I don't guess nothin'. Toby's guess was just... to find a new pair a tits to come home to. HA! And all he needed to do to impress the new pair a tits was bring her some corn dogs and ketchup, even though she liked mustard ("Aww, you haven't changed a bit, Toby!"). After all, he needed some respite from fighting off minority drug lords who threatened his life on a regular basis.

Which reminds me... need someone to make fun of? How 'bout minorities? Or, even better, a Mexican drug lord (who actually looked more Cuban than anything, but... yeah. Why bother pointing that out...)! Who uhh... Hmm... Mexicans. Now, they usually deal in like, weed and cocaine and destroyingAmerica, right? Well, it wouldn't be a stretch to just assume they run a meth business, too, right? I mean, I say so 'cause crystal meth is tearing up the poor rural white communities in America, and I just... I can't... *sheds a tear*... I just can't picture a beautiful white American doing such a thing to his white brethren! *bawls uncontrollably* SO LET'S BLAME A MEXICAN!!! Right, Toby?! I mean, just in case anyone wants to think that's racist or anything, ya needed a bad guy anyway. I mean, we know there are some bad apple white folk (the meth head who told Toby to watch out for his life and the city boy lawyer (who played Booger in Revenge of the Nerds) who defended the Mexican drug lord), but we all know they're not bad guys, so. It all worked out! And, in case y'all think Toby's playin', Wikipedia proved he's not being racist.

AMERICA!!!!

Speaking of America... Need a scary dude to be the owner of a big dumb looking truck that gets smashed to pieces by a redneck who actually thinks it's someone else's truck? Look no further than scary-looking UFC fighter "The Dean of Mean" Keith Jardine! All Jardine had to do was swing a bat at some redneck's face in one scene and sweat and glisten in a blacksmith shop in another. I hope he made some good bank off that Toby guy, too.


Look at that hottie. Sex Machine Keith Jardine.

At this point, I'll acknowledge that yes, I understand Mr. Keith was just trying to make a funny movie. I shouldn't really take any of this seriously. Just a joke, man! Of course! So on that note...

Need something to break the silence of a scene? Make the dog fart. As a matter of fact, right after the dog farts and the 'fart joke' has been established, say something really asinine like, "[Name of dog] farts right before something important happens. Strangest thing-" and have it transition right into an action sequence! God! How or... why are you so smart, Toby? Comedic. Genius. So, what really would have been impressive - and my head hurt too much to see whether or not it eventually happened - would have been using this farting dog as a foreshadowing device. That line set it up, so I assumed the dog-farting-before-important-events thing recurred. I'm not lauding this idea. I'm just saying Toby & Co. would be even bigger imbeciles if they didn't do this.

At any rate, I know I didn't save you any time by writing this review. I know you did not plan to ever watch Beer For My Horses. Everything about this movie was a waste. So on that note...

Need to add extra footage that's funny but serves no purpose? Got it! Film the dog licking his balls instead of sniffing out drugs. OH MY GOD THAT'S HYSTERICAL.

Sometimes, I cry for America.

Toby Keith? You are a moron. (BOOM. Roasted.)

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