Barack Obama - Zombie Vampire Terrorist

Afraid of Barack Obama? If not, your friends don't love you enough to even forward you their emails. If I hadn't received this forward today, I wouldn't have known that I'm still voting for an America-hating, murder-loving, freedom-hating, brown-people siding (ONLY SIDES WITH BROWN PEOPLE CAUSE HE'S A MUSLIM TERRORIST AND THOSE PEOPLE HATE EVERYONE EXCEPT THEMSELVES EXCEPT THEY MIGHT HATE THEMSELVES TOO CAUSE THEY'RE TERRORISTS I DON'T REALLY KNOW BECAUSE I'M NOT A TERRORIST) terrorist.

Enjoy. I mean...BEWARE!!! (Note: I emboldened the best parts 'cause it's really long and boneheaded.)

The Jihad Candidate By Rich Carroll

Conspiracy theories make for interesting novels when the storyline is not so absurd that it can grasp our attention. 'The Manchurian Candidate' and 'Seven Days in May' are examples of plausible chains of events that captures the reader's imagination at best-seller level. 'What if' has always been the solid grist of fiction. Get yourself something cool to drink, find a relaxing position, but before you continue, visualize the television photos of two jet airliners smashing into the Twin Towers in lower Manhattan and remind yourself this cowardly act of Muslim terror was planned for eight years. How long did it take Islam and their oil money to find a candidate for President of the United States ? As long as it took them to place a Senator from Illinois and Minnesota ? The same amount of time to create a large Muslim enclave in Detroit? The time it took them to build over 2,000 mosques in America ? The same amount of time required to place radical wahabbist clerics in our military and prisons as 'chaplains'? Find a candidate who can get away with lying about their father being a 'freedom fighter' when he was actually part of the most corrupt and violent government in Kenya 's history. Find a candidate with close ties to The Nation of Islam and the violent Muslim overthrow in Africa , a candidate who is educated among white infidel Americans but hides his bitterness and anger behind a superficial toothy smile. Find a candidate who changes his American name of Barry to the Muslim name of Barak Hussein Obama, and dares anyone to question his true ties under the banner o f 'racism'. Nurture this candidate in an atmosphere of anti-white American teaching and surround him with Islamic teachers. Provide him with a bitter, racist, anti-white, anti-American wife, and supply him with Muslim middle east connections and Islamic monies. Allow him to be clever enough to get away with his anti-white rhetoric and proclaim he will give $834 billion taxpayer dollars to the Muslim controlled United Nations for use in Africa .Install your candidate in an atmosphere of deception because questioning him on any issue involving Africa or Islam would be seen as 'bigoted racism'; two words too powerful to allow the citizenry to be informed of facts. Allow your candidate to employ several black racist Nation of Islam Louis Farrakhan followers as members of his Illinois Senatorial and campaign staffs.Where is the bloodhound American 'free press' who doggedly overturned every stone in the Watergate case? Where are our nation 's reporters that have placed every Presidential candidate under the microscope of detailed scrutiny; the same press who pursue Bush's 'Skull and Bones' club or ran other candidates off with persistent detective and research work? Why haven't 'newsmen' pursued the 65 blatant lies told by this candidate during the Presidential primaries? Where are the stories about this candidate's cousin and the Muslim butchery in Africa ? Since when did our national press corps become weak, timid, and silent? Why haven't they regaled us with the long list of socialists and communists who have surrounded this 'out of nowhere' Democrat candidate or that his church re-printed the Hamas Manifesto in their bulletin, and that his 'close pastor friend and mentor' met with Middle East terrorist Moammar Gaddafi, (Guide of the First of September Great Revolution of the Socialist People's Libyan Arab Jamahiriya)? Why isn't the American press telling us this candidate is supported by every Muslim organization in the world? As an ultimate slap in the face, be blatant in the fact your candidate has ZERO interest in traditional American values and has the most liberal voting record in U.S. Senate history. Why has the American main stream media clammed-up on any negative reporting on Barak Hussein Obama? Why will they print Hillary Rodham Clinton's name but never write his middle name? Is it not his name? Why, suddenly, is ANY information about this candidate not coming from main stream media, but from the blogosphere by citizens seeking facts and the truth? Why isn't our media connecting the dots with Islam? Why do they focus on 'those bad American soldiers' while Islam slaughters non Muslims daily in 44 countries around the globe? Why does our media refer to Darfur as 'ethnic cleansing' instead of what it really is; Muslims killing non Muslims! There is enough strange, anti-American activity surrounding Barak Hussein Obama to peek the curiosity of any reporter. WHERE IS OUR INVESTIGATIVE MEDIA!?A formal plan for targeting America was devised three years after the Iranian revolution in 1982. The plan was summarized in a 1991 memorandum by Mohamed Akram, an operative of the global Muslim Brotherhood. 'The process of settlement' of Muslims in America , Akram explained, 'is a civilization jihad process.' This means that members of the Brotherhood must understand that their work in 'America is a kind of grand jihad in eliminating and destroying the Western civilization from within and sabotaging its miserable house by their hands and the hands of the believers so that it is eliminated and God's religion is made victorious over all other religions.'There is terrorism we can see, smell and fear, but there is a new kind of terror invading The United States in the form of Sharia law and finance. Condoning it is civilization suicide. Middle East Muslims are coming to America in record numbers and building hate infidel mosques, buying our corporations, suing us for our traditions, but they and the whole subject of Islam is white noise leaving uninformed Americans about who and what is really peaceful. Where is our investigative press? Any criticism of Islam or their intentions, even though Islamic leaders state their intentions daily around the globe, brings-forth a volley of 'racist' from the left-wing Democrat crowd.Lies and deception behind a master plan - the ingredients for 'The Manchurian Candidate' or the placement of an anti-American President in our nation's White House? Is it mere coincidence that an anti-capitalist run for President at the same time Islamic sharia finance and law is trying to make advancing strides into the United States ? Is it mere coincidence this same candidate wants to dis-arm our nuclear capability at a time when terrorist Muslim nations are expanding their nuclear weapons capability? Is it mere coincidence this candidate wants to reduce our military at a time of global jihad from Muslim nations? Change for America ? What change? =

Rich Carroll - ever heard of an idiot? Yeah. Didn't think so.


I'll get you yet, Tasty Potatoes...

Congratulations, Tasty Potatoes. You have shaken up the blogosphere (i.e. Greeple)and discovered yourself on the receiving end of a critical shaking of Greeple's fist. In fact, he's too furious to write in the first person. I've never seen hi...aww damn it I...he fucked it up!

Here's the problem.

Your blog name is superior to Greeple's. He resents you for the rest of his day's, will critically shake his fist in your general direction 'til life escapes him, and scoffs at your recipes afterwritingthemdownandusingthemfordinnerpartiesandtakingallthecredit. Eat sh... famined potatoes and die.


Scrapes - usually not cool.

But that one is. I was putting something away in the fridge, like milk, or, something that goes in a fridge. I paid little mind until Monday arrived, as did I, at work. After studying its likeness, wondering why it looked so familiar, I concluded "Those are balls, and sweet Jesus! That there's a cock!" Then I took that picture 'cause I thought it looked like a cock accompanied by balls (dude sitting next to me confirmed), but the picture doesn't do a just representation of cock and balls.

We'll go with 'snowman taking a leak.' It's straight and curved, depending on the movement of my knuckle. Amazing.
*There. 15 seconds of your day: slaughtered.*


Men's shoes suck.

It wasn't that I didn't have anything better to do. I had plenty of things to do (and still do. Alas.). But shopping for men's shoes has become the most arduous and confusing of tasks. Are these cool? Aren't these kinda ridiculous? Surely no one would ever by those. Perhaps these aren't so bad, but can I find them cheaper on another website? Fuck, are they even me?

It all started last Thursday night, wandering through Andersonville/Uptown, stumbling upon a place called Alamo Shoes or something. I was early meeting someone for dinner, so I strolled in. Needed flip flops/shoes. Big fan of impulse purchases. I found some Rocket Dog brand flip flops with a plaid strap that were kinda cool, but it had graphics where my dirty feet go (oddly enough, according to a google image search, only women have dirty feet). Also, they were $40. For flip flops. And in my experience, flip flops that make the effort to look cool fall apart within 24 hours.

Also, I found some shoes that were $100 by Born, and they looked sturdy and like something that would work for me - if I were willing to drop $100. Something I'd decide after trying them o...oh wait. They shut the lights off. Store closed. I was locked in and had to be let out. Fuck those guys.

Truthfully, the search for new shoes had begun a few months ago, when my big toes (plurality noted) punctured holes in the canvas of my Vans. I looked inside my Puma's and discovered that the padding had worn to the plastic. (I like having a couple pairs of shoes to wear regularly, 'cause my feet get smelly. "One to wear, one to air" my momma always said.)

Enough screwing around. Time to buy.

Okay - google 'mens shoes.' Thousands of websites to choose from - at least 15 at your immediate disposal, including the sidebar links. Okay, screw that. Shoes.com. Amazon.com. Zappos.com, where I'd gotten my now punctured Vans. Shopping.com and pricegrabber.com suggested different shoes and which website to find them the cheapest. Tens of thousands of different pieces of footwear were offered to me. That's not at all daunting!

I guarantee you - in the past 24 hours, I've looked at a few thousand pairs of shoes and flip flops, easily. I don't think my criteria was too tough for a kinda picky dude: shoes/flops that appear well made, comfortable (enough), not too bland, not bizarre, not typical but not overtly atypical, have a return policy (shopping for shoes online sucks enough already), and most importantly, fit my personality.

Literally, over seven hours of searching and wall smashing and Advil breaks later, I decided on these (in brown/hemp), these and these. Overall, I think I did well, and I kicked the shit out of getting good prices. I think I'll be satisfied when they come, but if I open the box, show my oft trendy roommates and they placate me with a 'uhh, yeah man, sure, cool,' I'll slit my wrists and neck and blow my head off black metal style.


3 films seen recently by me.

1. This Film Is Not Yet Rated
2. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
3. Buy the Ticket - Take the Ride (Hunter S. Thompson doc)

1. This Film Is Not Yet Rated

Pretty much what I expected of the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA). A secretive organization where no names are known and sex is more taboo than the chopping off of heads or American Psycho forcryingoutloud? And they're not crazy right wing whack job...oh wait. No. Yes, they are crazy right wing whack jobs. Never would've guessed!

The film does hit some of the specifics in American Psycho. Reasons they wanted to give it an NC-17? Mmm, not really for how many people he killed, nor so much how they were kille...well, except for the scene where he drops a chainsaw down a flight of stairs, killing the naked prostitute that was running away from him 'cause he was chasing her with a chainsaw. But more importantly than that was the threesome. That offended MPAA sensibilities. And rightfully so! Nothing gives me the heebie jeebies like THREE PEOPLE HAVING SEX!!! AAAHHHH!!!! Again - three people having sex, and not the two prostitutes getting violently murdered after our pro-antagonist nails them. Actually, when I put it that way, it suddenly makes perfect sense.

I have to change my opinion of this "documentary" now.


2. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

A few things. First, when I go to see Indiana Jones, do I want to see a sci-fi movie? Even better - do you? Also, when I go to see Indiana Jones with a storyboard produced by George Lucas and his special effects team ILM at the helm, I want some bad ass special effects.

Spoilerforshittymovie alert: I got one, and not the other.

This legendary crystal skull we hear so much about? Have you ever seen any of the Alien movies? Imagine one of the alien's heads shrunk to comfortable carrying size, in all white ("crystal"), and looking like you picked it up at a magic shop. Okay? That's what this movie is about. That fucking shitty, $15 looking skull. And you meet live aliens too. And Cate Blanchett looks hot, but cannot maintain a steady accent.

But worst of all - the special effects were laughable at best. An obscene amount of green screen shots. Star Wars evolved into a cartoon world, somewhat appropriately. As outlandish as Indy's always been, it never felt like a cartoon until now.

Harrison Ford looks, sounds, and acts like he's never been more bored.

I just saved you $10.

3. Buy the Ticket - Take the Ride (Hunter S. Thompson doc)

Gary Busey had quite a bit of screen time for someone who had next to nothing to say about Thompson, but it was okay. Busey's crazy, has abnormally large teeth, and is therefore entertaining and hilarious. But I won't pretend. I've never read one of Thompson's books, save a few of his essays. A shame, I know. Regardless, this doc left me thinking like I had a good sense of the man nonetheless (despite, ya know, everyone shoving him and his ideas down my throat because every other young white liberal American has read ALL of his stuff, exceptions noted). With that in mind, I don't recall much that happened in the documentary. We viewers exercised the ol' Thompson excess and loaded the bong with Xango, admiring the taste by...not...stopping.

I may have enjoyed this film the most of the three, but I have the least to say about it. That happens. It's short. Just check it out.


Office Freakouts

Including the one linked in the title of this blog, there are several other 'office freakout' videos on YouTube.

Some are clearly fake, but others appear to be legit. And these are just the freakouts that made it to YouTube. Tell me any corporate office is a healthy working environment and I'll smash my keyboard over your head, shove my mouse up your unspeakable orifice, and chase you through cubicles with my monitor cocked and ready to throw.

newegg.com - worst web-purchase experience EVER.

Fuck you, newegg.com. Fuck you to hell.


A week ago, I went to El Paisano's to get a gastrointestinal-destroying burrito for less than $5. Per usual, I had no cash and gave them my card. They gave it back with no receipt and told me it was denied.

Awesome! I love it when that happens and I know I have over $600!

Or so I thought...

Here's what happened. I placed an order on newegg.com for approx $300, minutes before the destruction of my gastrointestinal tract (other roomie lent me cash, saved me some embarassment - tastebuds more than happy). It wouldn't have been the first time I had less money than I thought, but my bank confirmed otherwise. Probably for the first time ever.

newegg.com had declined my card because I was having my purchase shipped to my roommate, Hank (because it was a purchase that would count towards my purchase of his old computer). They wouldn't tell me this was, or could be, the case, and specifically told me it was not possible - at this stage of the purchase.

But by that stage, I already had to have my friend's shipping address 'verified' by their shitty system that thinks LaSalle Street is a drive. I had already been kicked off newegg.com, mid-purchase, to be thrown to my bank's website to verify who I am, before I was thrown back to newegg.com to be told my order was processed successfully. Oh, and my card was denied at fucking EL PAISANO'S. How that could happen is beyond me, but newegg is to blame (my bank confirmed zero holds on my card, so someone give me a better explanation knowing this has never happened before).

Days later, I go to newegg.com's FAQ page to learn that any/all shipping addresses must be sent to my bank first before it would process any order. GOOD TO KNOW.

I said fuck it, gave Hank $280 cash, cause I'm a baller, and told him to take care of it. Guess what? He was declined, too. Re-registered his billing/shipping addresses with his bank, and was told by newegg.com that it would take 1-2 business days to process.

So today, good ol' Hank goes back to our new best friend's website, newegg.com, and his fucking harddrive had SOLD OUT.

I think they're bluffing. It was already proven - it's categorically impossible to successfully complete any purchase with newegg.com, unless your patience rivals that of one Mahatma Gandhi.

Luckily, I run the most important, popular blog ever and expect to see newegg.com completely out of business within 24 hours.


FOX News: Acceptable levels of tastelessness...?

(Title links to the video. I had trouble embedding it. Shut up.)

Liz Trotta thinks it would be best if both Osama Bin Laden and Barack Obama were assassinated. Slip of the tongue? Yes, but not the part about having both of them assassinated, made quite clear by her cackle and the doucheman anchor's response of "Tell us how you really feel." But it happened mid-interview, and they kept talking like she never stated that the Democratic front-runner for President of the USA (at the time) should be assassinated. To have said that during a segment where you discussed Hillary's controversial RFK assassination remark in relation to this campaign, and not bat an eye?... That's pretty extreme, even for FOX News.

This was two weeks ago, and clearly no one gave a shit. And why should they have? Reverend Wright was busy hating America with his Muslim terrorist followers (so I'm told) and it was really really scary!!!

But FOX went there. So why stop now? Your viewers like when you talk like that. They giggle too.

Tonight on FOX News: How many nukes can fit in presumptive Democratic Presidential nominee Barack Obama's Muslim terrorist ass? We report. You decide.

But I like FOX News. Good luck finding something so unabashedly offensive anywhere else in mainstream media. It's refreshing. I get so sick of worthwhile discourse. Which isn't to say you'll find much of that in mainstream media anyway, but FOX doesn't even pretend. They report, and you decide.

Yet, talk of assassinating the next President of the United States exceeds my acceptable level of tastelessness. Stick to replaying videos of Mexicans booking it across the desert with suitcases. For that, at least, I can justify watching it by saying, "Laugh or cry, man. Laugh or cry."



Tuesdays suck harder than Mondays. On Monday, you're fresh off the weekend and the dread of the five days ahead has had its blow softened. Perhaps from the extra rest or the extra fun you just had.

Until Tuesday.

On Tuesday, your headache from Monday still throbs. You have nothing to look forward to - Friday is still four fucking days away. You've almost hit the hump day Wednesday, but looking forward to a day where you look forward to another day raises the level of frustration.

Eat it, Tuesday. You are worse than charlie horses.


True Norwegian Black Metal by Peter Beste

When I first cracked the cover of True Norwegian Black Metal in the CTA subway in downtown Chicago during rush hour, I saw the one and only pair of boobies in the entire book. Covered in blood (cow's blood, I learned), along with the rest of her bare body. I looked left and right, then back at the boobies, concluding that even awesome boobies like hers look less awesome when doused in blood. I flipped the page and saw a pig's head on a stake, front and center, decrepit and brutal and metal. If I had vomited, that would not have been very metal. But if I had vomited and set off a chain-vomiting, that would have at least been cool.

I first heard about Beste's photography book on NPR, thanks to Morgan. The photos span a seven-year timeline, indicating that Peter Beste is, in fact, insane, but he takes gorgeous pictures (gore-geous, for the bad pun lovers). Accomplishing what few have, Beste befriended these "corpse-painted" and spiked black metal folks, enough to snap some pretty intimate photos of them, capturing the black metal lifestyle. Let's not forget - the Norwegian black metal movement became famous for its lack of regard for others, what with the on-stage murders and burning of churches throughout the country and such. One picture shows a band performing in front of a naked dude, hanging from a cross, and just behind a line of animal heads, atop stakes, facing the audience. There might even be fire in it, too, I dunno, the picture was too metal for me to remember. For an outsider to achieve any level of intimacy with this sect of people, who thrive on individualism exclusively (hence murdering each other, when applicable), he must be commended for a job well done.

Now, time for the smashing of this book.

This book does not have page numbers. So I can't be like, 'Dude, check out the bloody boobies on page...' ya know? And that really sucks. Also, the introduction is like, not at the beginning. Actually, there's some other shit after the pictures start that I assumed was the introduction, but it's not. Just a couple paragraphs. I don't know what they were. But flip through another 20 or 30 bloody pages, and there it is! The introduction! Someone should torture the editor into believing what an introduction is, because clearly, he doesn't 'get it.' Oh, and this intro (not ready to blow its load too early, apparently) took up two full pages, so I declared it too long to read before I formed an opinion about the book, much like the stuff after the glossary of images. There were some more cool pictures there, too, but way too many words for me to care about. I didn't pay for words.

Regardless, this book is more br00tal than your dead dog. Buy it, put it on your coffee table, and never have a girlfriend ever again.


Beginnings of a blog.

To begin, there are three things I must smash to hell with my critical fist:

1. Beginnings
2. Blogs
3. Beginning a blog

1. Beginnings

Beginnings present new opportunities. For example, it gives one the opportunity to use the phrase 'New Beginnings,' which really pisses me off. Why? Well, beginning something implies that it has not already begun; therefore, the beginning would be something new and no one should ever need to state the phrase 'New Beginnings.' Unless you like hearing yourself speak. Or you're a politician. Even in such cases, don't you already want to hit those people in the face? If not, I'm now threatening to hit you in the face.

This particular beginning, Critiques by Greeple, excites me, because I think it'll give me a platform to start writing again - one interesting enough, hopefully, to keep me coming back. The biggest problem facing this writer? Writing. So that's good.

Beginnings are good, generally. Save bad beginnings. Like beginning a new millenium with W as our president.

2. Blogs

Can you think of a word more stupid than 'blog'? I'll wait.

3. Starting a blog

It's a bandwagon thing. Since blogging's inception, it has gathered quite an obnoxious reputation - one that kept me from starting one. Whenever someone says they're 'blogging,' have a 'blog,' read 'blogs,' or follow a 'blogger,' I feel like flogging skulls with my fastidious fists (see '2. Blogs').

Now that I've started my own, determining a direction to take it has become problematic. I've decided to start a blog where there are no limits to the things that I can critique. I like critiquing things, and moving forward, that's all I've decided to go on. As it develops, it will become more focused: how I critique things, why I critique things, the tone or dialogue I'd like to establish with (a) reader(s)...

For now, the common thread shall be me, Greeple, writing as a sarcastic asshole. 'Til next time, folk(s).